P for Phone Calls...

The Phone Call(s):

I was up early and wide eyed this morning. I wondered if I switched off my phone as it was off and I remember the hoax message I received about some cosmic rays coming from Mars. I laughed when I read the sms. It was obvious that the sender doesn't know how science inclined I am.
I switched on the phone and did the 'social network rounds'. I had made up my mind to go to work today, so I tried to sleep a little more. I had made two other appointments in town and I had my weekly CDS (Community Development Service) to attend too. Trying to sleep had never been a more herculean task. I put on a playlist of all the songs (albums & mixtapes that I downloaded [free], even an extra chopped & screwed version) of Frank Ocean, The Weeknd, Le$, Topiq the Smooth Prophet, Cheri Coke & Melo X, The xx, Gnarls Barkley, Kings of Leon and similar sounds (this playlist is the 237 song sound track of dreams of an oblivion market sleeper, even had some PinkiePieSwear in it. I can tell the artists and songs people like just by meeting them [sometimes] and observing their persona. Now, [from the playlist] you can tell I was in 'escape mood'... I should open a therapeutic playlist business online where I ask basic questions about moods, daily activities, age, status, education, income, and stuff.) and started playing Texas Hold'em King LIVE Poker on my phone. After a while I decided to copy some of the songs (off the playlist) from the laptop to my phone so I can listen to them when I (answer questions from my proposed therapeutic music prescription site that will
recommend I do) want to and post a copy of a bbm chat I had yesterday with a lady I met online some days ago (because I have not been writing like I should and the conversation was interesting so I posted it. I hope she doesn't come across it. That done, I decided to go on another 'social network round' while bobbing my head to Stunt N Dozier Mix 2 (being a Dj makes music sound different). Then my phone rang, showing a number I couldn't recognise (I save important numbers within the cranium just incase I want to make them [ladies] smile and sometimes you press less buttons typing out the number than searching for the contact in the contact list. That saves time. As an engineer, I was taught [some five years ago, in my second year] to always minimise time and cost while maximising quality). I studied the number as the phone rang... (Pause for a few)...


Now that I have taken time to express the morning, be informed that this post was inspired by that phone call and insomnia...

Archetypal Phone Calls:
We have all been called by people who intended to call someone else (and pressed -72 instead of -55, because 5 is in the middle of 7 and 2 and alcohol impairs vision), but called us instead and ask some sarcasm demanding questions like "are you there? can you hear me?" and follow that by calling you a funky name twice; "Baba Sikuru! Baba Sikiru!" (I played with this caller. I am always game for a prank call. This one almost clocked two minutes.) We have also received calls that made us go into some pointless ridiculous arguement...; The phone call between Zainab Zubairu and Jabbard on a busy saturday afternoon (busy for Jabbard).

-I saw an unfamiliar number on the screen of my phone and decided to guess who the caller was by listen attentively to their voice. I still had no idea who they were after "hello" and "this is Zainab". I know the only one Zainab I know and this Zainab was a Zainab I didn't know. I politely told her that she had called the wrong number and hung up. She called right back and asked "is this not Ibrahim?"
I noticed she had a foreign accent. I told her who I am and who I wasn't. She reassured me that I was Ibrahim. I smiled to myself because no matter how busy I am, I won't waste free entertainment and prank calls are better when the story comes from the other end and all you do is twist the plot by saying any plausible and credible reply to whatever is said. She was so sure that I was Ibrahim that she argued it with me (how do you begin to argue your name with someone who doesn't know you). I hung up again, but she called again, apologised and agreed that I was who I said I was. She said her sister gave her my number and she had just arrived the airport and urgently wanted to know if there was a vacant room in two specific hotels. I asked her where she was and she said "Abuja" (at that time [two years ago] I had not been in Abuja in about a year), so I said "I'm not in Abuja right now, let me call someone to confirm. Call me back in five minutes". I dropped my phone down and continued my laundry. When she called back, I told her that one of the hotel rooms had vacant rooms and the other was full (go figure. How I knew that all the way from Bauchi. Must be fake).-
 Once a lady pocket-called me and gave me a free ten minute audio reality entertainment. I am bad like that. We have all received calls like these sometime in our phone owning lives. We have made some of these calls too...

The First Call:
Late one afternoon three years ago, I was leaving the university premises when my phone rang. A strange number. I picked the call and a woman was on the other end. She greeted in Hausa and I replied as I speak the language that much. Then she asked if I was the 'Mai magani'. My Hausa is not so good, but Mai magani means maker of medicine. It could also mean herbalist (I think). It could also mean Pharmacist (I think, maybe). I said "no." She wasn't interested in that answer, she continued talking and I continued not understanding. All I could derive was that she bought a medicine that worked and saw a (my) phone number on the case and she wanted to know where to get more. I told her that I didn't know anything about a magani (a medicine. Magani can also mean cure or remedy)...

Sundays, Callday:
After the first call that day, it became a frequent occurence. I receive a (could be more, but it has never exceeded four in one day) phone call in Hausa every sunday (and other week days too) asking for Mai magani. I have been able to deduce that my alleged product is (made and mainly sold in a local government area in Jigawa state) in a container like that of vaseline and my number is printed on the bottom of it. Hajia Hauwa is at the hem (some callers ask after her). It is also apparent that the product works, as most callers always want more except one man who wanted to expand my sales into another state. I don't convert this calls into prank (I don't speak the language well enough to), I tell the callers that it is a wrong number they called whenever I can and I promote the product to those who call to know if it is effective. The real maker(s) must have intentionally put a random number (my number) on the product. Three years is sufficient time to have observed and rectified that sort of error (if it were one). I thought about traveling to trace the location of production, but I decided to keep answering the calls until it become mandatory to terminate them...

...(Unpause for a few) ...I studied the number as the phone rang wondering who would call a person they never spoke to so early in the morning. The woman on the other end greeted in Yoruba, (Nigerians won the gold medal in the Greeting finals at the...) another major Nigerian language (which I understand better than I do Hausa). I replied in English and she asked if I speak Yoruba. I said no and hung up. She called right back and asked in poor Hausa if I speak Yoruba. Wtf!. I knew instantly that she had bought the product at the other end of the country and was addicted to its outcome. I told her she had the wrong number. I should look for the makers of this herbal ointment and invest in the business before it goes global and my phone number get replaced...